Nico di Angelo and the MarySue Army
by RedcurrantSmoothie
Summary: All Nico wanted to do was to buy a Happy Meal from McDonalds. Instead, he is attacked by a screaming horde of Mary-Sues, all wanting to be his girlfriend. How will he escape alive? And who is responsible?
1. Trapped

**I came up with the idea for this when I went to read a Nico fic and basically all of them were a Nico/OC fic, which I usually don't have a problem with. But when the OC is a major Sue then yes I do have a problem with it! So I wrote this :3**

**Disclaimer: Because Rick Riordan **_**totally **_**writes fanfiction about his own books. **

Nico di Angelo's stomach rumbled: he hadn't eaten since this morning, and it was late afternoon. Demeter had offered him some cereal earlier, but he had refused simply because he liked seeing her shocked reaction. Although he knew it has bad to get on the bad side of a God, he did it regardless because the horror on her face when he refused her trademark food was priceless! Seriously, you could have told her that you'd just killed seventy-four puppies and baked them into a puppy pie for the reaction she gave you.

There was a lack of food in the Underwood seeing as most of the residents were dead and therefore did not require food. However, Nico wasn't dead and needed some food.

And he had a craving for McDonalds…

..

After Shadow-travelling up to the streets of New York, he noticed that the streets were very busy. Nico sighed. _Their life is so easy, _he thought to himself, _they have no idea of the real danger that lies right under their noses. _

Not so long ago he thought he was just an ordinary child. Well as ordinary as you can get when you couldn't remember your own parents and you were living in a hotel for part of your life. The reality was much more sinister: he was a child of Hades, Lord of the Underworld, and instead of spending a few months in a hotel but seventy years. And then his sister had gone on a quest that ended her life.

Nico brushed a strand of dark hair out of his eyes and walked towards the McDonalds placed at the end of the road. As he walked he wondered how he must seem to passers-by. A twelve year old boy wearing an aviator jacket, black jeans with a messy mop of long black hair complete with a sullen expression may have raised a few eyebrows, but it was nothing compared to the looks he'd have gotten if he were out with his usual friends, the skeletons.

The McDonalds seemed busier than usual; the queues almost stretched outside the door of the fast food restaurant. Pushing the door open, Nico took a look around. It was full of girls. But no ordinary girls. These girls had unnaturally coloured hair and eyes, most of them seemed either emo or gothic or insanely popular with twelve friends hanging off their arm. Each was incredibly beautiful and even the staff couldn't take their eyes off them.

"Oh. My. God!" screeched one of the girls, pointing at him.

"Huh?" Nico said, unsure of what was going on.

"It's...It's…It's NICO DI ANGELO!" yelled a girl with purple eyes and red streaked hair. The deafening fangirl squeals that followed were loud enough to wake the dead. And he should know: he did that on a regular basis.

"Wha-" Nico's question was cut off by three dozen teenage girls running towards him, each holding a piece of paper that he was to autograph, or a banner saying "I love you Nico!"

He could barely hear himself think for all the screaming and shouting going on.

"Nico sign my t-shirt!"

"Nico, will you be my boyfriend?"

"Nico we love you!"

"Nico, will you go out with me?"

Those were just some of the questions raised by the crowd.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Nico protested. "Could you give me some space?" The girls backed off almost immediately, as if they would do exactly what he asked just to please him.

"Who are you all and what do you want with me?" Nico blurted. "And one at a time please. You?" he pointed to a girl with striking sea-green eyes and black hair with a blue-green tinge to it.

"Me?" The girl asked, half shocked, half honoured.

"Yeah you. What's your name?"

"I'm Oceania Tydis Ariella Shimmerdust Wave," replied the girl smugly. Her extremely long and unrealistic name blew Nico away.

"That's your name? Seriously?" Nico gasped. "Now what are you all doing here?"

"We're here to see you of course!" Giggled a girl with vivid blonde hair. "I'm Fuschialyn Adora Gemaline Pearlyglitter."

"To see me?"

"Well duh! You're like the _hottest _guy in Percy Jackson!" Nico smiled at the reply. "So hot that just about every OC wants to date you!"

Nico bit his lip, "so in just about every fanfic I'm paired up with some Mary-Sue OC?"

"Pretty much! I'm a child of Aphrodite, and Oceania is a child of Poseidon. Lyzabelle Genevieve Arabella Warpston is a child of Kronos, Glimmer Shimmer Twinkletoes is a child of Zeus, Ebony Ravenclaw Shadowie D'arkness a child of Hades, Luna Selene Eclipse Nightshade is a child of Artemis…"

"Wait, Kronos? Zeus? Hades? ARTEMIS? What the FUDGE? Kronos is DEAD! Lyzabelle looks only thirteen and Kronos was in Tartarus thirteen years ago! Zeus already broke his oath once, and look how that turned out so why would he break it again to have Glimmer? Hades _never _broke his oath so how could he have had Ebony? And what the fudge, why does Artemis have a kid? She's a VIRGIN Goddess!" Nico ranted.

"So you don't want to date me?" sobbed Fuschialyn.

"No! I mean, I'm only twelve. When girls are twelve, yeah they become interested in boys. But boys? They're still pretty clueless." Nico explained.

"But…but everyone loves me!"

"Well duh, you're a Mary Sue. Mary Sue's are supposed to be loved by everyone despite having the personality of a brick wall. And excuse me while I get my happy meal." Nico stormed to the front of the queue (seeing as all the girls had left it to crowd around him) and grumpily ordered a happy meal, which was ironic seeing as he wasn't in a happy mood.

"Fries or a fruit bag?" asked the woman at the till. She was beautiful, but not like the other girls there. Her dark eyes seemed welcoming, and her lack hair framed her face. She reminded him of Bianca, except she seemed more sure of herself. He looked down to stop a tear trailing down his face remembering her. He looked back up, and he could swear that her appearance was changing, her eyes were lighter, her hair longer. He put it down to the tears welling up in his eyes distorting his vision.

"Fries," mumbled Nico, not looking up at her again.

"What drink?"

"Coke."

Nico tapped his fingers on the bench as he waited for his order. Several girls came over and tapped him on the shoulder, but he sent them all away. Seriously, why him of all people? He was only a twelve year old boy; he wasn't even _interested _in girls yet. He'd only just started getting used to the fact that he was a demigod, an incredibly powerful demigod; a girlfriend was the last thing he needed right now, especially seeing as his dad was the God of the Underworld and spent a lot of his time there. Surely most girls would see that as creepy?

Apparently not.

The woman behind the counter handed him his order and sure enough, all the girls came rushing over to see what he had bought.

"Geez, all I bought was a happy meal!" Nico grunted.

"OHMYGOSH, can I like, eat with you?" Squealed Glimmer Shimmer Twinkletoes in a mesmerizing, song-like voice. Her honey blonde hair streaked with bits of gold hung over her shoulders and she was wearing so much glitter in her makeup and clothes it was easy to see how she got her name. He imagined her standing in the Underworld, how out of place she would look amongst the dreary washed-out dead. He liked spending time there, it was calm (aside from the screams of torment coming from the Fields of Punishment) and gave him a chance to think, but it wasn't known for being a happy place.

"No, Glimmer, no you cannot," Nico sighed. Who knew popularity was such a hassle? When he attended school he'd never been the most popular kid around, he usually just stayed with Bianca, and the same went for when he was at Camp Half-Blood so he'd never had any experience with it. When he first arrived at Camp, people didn't take any interest in him. After all unclaimed children weren't a rarity, and now most people didn't like hanging around with him. He couldn't blame them though, really. If he were in their position he wouldn't want to hang around with someone who reeked of death and spent their spare time talking to zombies either.

"Why? Everyone loves me! I'm a daughter of Zeus! What's _not _to like?"

"Well," Nico said, not really into it, "you won't leave me alone, you stalk me, you don't seem very realistic, and frankly, all that glitter you're wearing is making me wonder if I accidently Shadow-travelled to Noel Fielding's costume closet."

Glimmer looked like she was on the verge of crying and Nico's lack of experience with girls made him instinctively move tables. Unfortunately, as soon as he sat down the girl who called herself Luna Selene Eclipse Nightshade took the opportunity to sit down next to him.

"Oh gods! Can I just eat my lunch in peace, please? All I wanted was a happy meal but instead I get a horde of rabid fangirls! Will you please just GO AWAY!" Nico shouted. He sounded like his ten year old self, annoyed with Percy for letting Bianca die. He knew now that it wasn't his fault, but that didn't take away any of the grief. "I don't know what it is about me that you find so interesting, but really, I'm not that cool. I wake the dead, I hang around in the Underworld, my stepmother turns me into dandelions on a weekly basis, I suck at sports and my dad runs the worst holiday resort in the United States."

"BUT YOU'RE SO TORTURED AND SAD AND SEXY!" Protested just about everyone in the room.

"You know what? I've had enough, I'm going back home to eat this," Nico groaned, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

If only it were that easy.

For as soon as he revealed his plan, the crowds of Nico-fans raced towards the exit, blocking every door in the building.

Nico panicked; everywhere he looked he could see girls. It was enough to give the Aphrodite girls a run for their money, a room full of unnaturally beautiful girls.

It was not until he was thrust onto the floor by a girl with black hair streaked with purple and silver and kaleidoscope eyes that he realised the truth.

Nico di Angelo was trapped in McDonalds.

And there would be no escape as long as Aphrodite stood at the counter giggling at him.

**Review! **


	2. Author's Note

**Sorry you got excited by this 'update' and then I let you down by it only being an author's note!**

**The thing is, this story has gotten a lot of alerts and reviews telling me to 'update' but I originally planned for it just to be a one-shot. But seeing as people want more, do you think I should continue it and make it a multi-chap? It'd be quite short, only a few chapters.**

**What do you think? Should I continue this or leave it where it is?**

**(I'll delete this A/N once I get feedback)**


	3. An Impossible Task

**Sorry for the looooooooooooooong wait. I wasn't really feeling it, I thought it would seem better as a one-shot but apparently everybody wanted me to make it a one-shot! So, because I'm such a nice person I decided to make you all happy and write a second chapter!**

**It's nowhere near as good as the first chapter, I got way too into the descriptions here rather than the humour, but I hope you enjoy it :3**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson, but all these Mary-Sues are my creations! Not that I'm proud of that of course.**

Despite being on the floor, crushed by a mass of several wishful-thinking fangirls, Nico managed to clench his fists and curse at the goddess standing at the counter. He tried pushing them off, but they proved to strong and heavy to move, which was surprising because most of them looked anorexic-thin without an ounce of muscle on them. He wondered how they could take on an army of monsters without being injured within the first thirty seconds. Of course, none of them looked like they'd ever seen battle. Except for maybe a cat-fight over a pair of boots.

He cursed in Ancient Greek, and attempted to wriggle his way out but with no such luck. Then it occurred to him that these females would apparently do anything to please him, though for reasons unknown to him, so they'd do as he told them.

"Would you please get off me?" Nico asked as politely as he could. "I'm having trouble breathing, here!" Immediately, everyone picked themselves up off the floor and off of him. Unsurprisingly, there was not a hint of dust on their clothing nor was there a hair out of place on any of them. On the other hand, Nico's hair was a web of tangled black tresses, and his clothes dirty. He wasn't too fussed though: he was a boy and getting messy was like a second nature.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," the girls chorused. Naturally, Nico ignored them and stormed over to the counter. The woman standing there now had chestnut brown hair cascading down her back in a flow of soft curls, framing her heart-shaped face elegantly. Her huge dark eyes were like a portal to another dimension; just by looking into them he could see snippets of another world, one where love ruled over. Couples sharing a meal together, a wedding of a blushing bride and handsome groom, an awkward teenage geek sharing his first kiss with a beautiful girl. Pink lips the exact shade of roses blooming in the spring formed a smile that lighted up her face, highlighting her best features. Her skin was flawless, neither a freckle nor a spot to contaminate her beauty. Unlike the other girls, she was effortlessly beautiful; it came naturally without any makeup. She didn't have to try; she just was.

Of course, Nico knew that this was Aphrodite he was looking at; the goddess of love and beauty. Of course she was going to be so captivatingly stunning. He just never assumed he would meet her in the flesh. He'd seen her once on Olympus, after the Second Titan War was won, but never up close, face-to-face. His breath had literally been taken away. _Stop it, _Nico thought to himself, _this is just one of her ploys._

Nico blinked, and looked at her again, assuming that her radiance would cease to overwhelm him now he'd already seen it. Wrong. Frustrated, Nico shook his head in anger.

"Lost for words, I see?" Aphrodite deduced. When she spoke it was like a chorus of angels singing the tune for the gate of heaven. "Don't worry; I have that effect on people often."

Blushing, Nico scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. He'd heard about men going weak at the knees for the love goddess, he just never expected for it to happen to _him_. Especially seeing as he was only twelve. Yeah, he'd thought about some girls being pretty, but Aphrodite was just another league. She'd practically_ invented _beauty. _Enough about how beautiful she is, _Nico scolded himself mentally, _get to the point._

"Aphrodite," Nico's voice trembled slightly, "is this what you have done?"

"This as in," she gestured towards the large group of girls, "these people?"

"Yes. All I wanted was a stupid happy meal but all I got was a horde of fangirls all wanting to date me, and I want to know why!" Nico said firmly. "I'm only twelve you know, I'm not_ looking_ for a girlfriend right now. Besides, even if I wanted one, there's not a chance in Hades that I'd date any of these wannabes!"

Aphrodite was taken aback; no demigod had ever had the temerity to insult her work. Or maybe perhaps she was stunned that he didn't want a girlfriend. But because it was Aphrodite, it was more likely the latter.

"You mean you don't want to date any of these fine young ladies?" The mesmerizing woman questioned.

"No! How many times do I have to say?" Nico almost screamed, but contained himself in fear that he'd end up a pile of ash.

"Oh Nico," she shook her head sympathetically; "you have yet to experience the wonders of love. Don't worry, my dear, for Aphrodite is here to help!" She clapped her hands and instantaneously two girls who Nico recognised as Oceania and Lyzabelle, daughters of Poseidon and Kronos respectively. "Escort Nico to that table in the corner over there."

Nico wasn't sure why he had to be escorted, but he went with it. Aphrodite followed him after a few minutes and then sat down opposite him.

"So, you have something you need to tell me?" Nico said.

"Yes, I feel as if I owe you an explanation," Aphrodite replied. Three girls, all with silver hair and eyes, were standing scarily close to Nico, making him feel slightly claustrophobic. Aphrodite noted how he was uncomfortable and she shooed them. "You see, often I take an interest in a demigod, one who I feel shows great potential in the world of romance. Before, I took a liking to your friend Percy, and promised him I would make his love life interesting, to which I kept my word. I made him meet up with Rachel Elizabeth Dare, a rival for his affections, I made him land on Calypso's island of Ogygia, something which Hera unkindly takes the credit for when it was clearly _my _idea. I mean, why would Hera send him there? The whole _point _of that visit was for someone else to compete for Percy's love, so what Hera was on about I really don't know.

"Anyway, and then Annabeth. She loved him all along you know, but Percy was too dumb to realise. Of course, that was partially my doing. However, now the two are very happy together as you may no, and there is no need for me to make it interesting. So, I found you: a handsome, young son of Hades with currently, no experience with girls whatsoever. It broke my heart, but then I realised that I could help you fix this problem! So, I found all these girls willing to date you. Boy, are there many! So, who are you going to choose?" Aphrodite rested her chin on her hand, waiting for his reply.

"Really? Nobody, love's stupid," Nico answered, then immediately regretted it. Aphrodite's eyes narrowed, and what once was a welcoming beacon of love and devotion became a swirling abyss of fear and rage.

"You dare insult me or oppose me? I am older than your father, than any of the Olympians. I hold even more power than Zeus himself. Perhaps you would like to think twice about your answer, hmm?" Aphrodite raged, a side which he'd never seen before.

"Um, no, Aphrodite! I would be happy to date a Ma—magnificent young woman like the girls standing here!" Nico trembled.

"That's what I thought. So, get to know everybody! I expect for you to have chosen at least one girl by the evening. Oh, and one more thing: don't bother shadow-travelling out of here, I've sealed the room so nobody can leave except for me." In a flash of pink smoke, the love goddess had vanished.

It took a minute for everything to sink in.

Nico was stuck.

In McDonalds.

With a bunch of weird and unrealistic females.

Who all wanted to date him.

He had to date one of them.

And he had no way out.

**Sorry that this wasn't as good, the next chapter will be better! I promise!**


	4. The Beginning of a Disaster

**Again, too long of a wait, but I had a lack of inspiration.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Percy Jackson, dude!**

If it were possible, Nico wanted to shadow-travel to wherever Aphrodite lived, burn it down and smother everything she owned in dark, destroying shadows and then set a whole army of hellhounds on her before crushing her underneath a crippling heavy shadow of death. But of course, that wasn't possible, as Nico couldn't even get close to her without going weak at the knees.

So, unless Nico could think of an alternative solution, he had to go speed-dating with the most ineligible bachelorettes the world had to offer. So far, the girls he'd met were highly unrealistic and all had some kind of undying yet unrequited love for him, to which he did not understand. Why did they all go for him and not Percy? Percy was better looking, the son of a more popular God (most people found Hades creepy, not that he blamed them), and had accomplished more than he had. He saved the world for crying out loud! Did that not equal squealing fans? What had Nico done besides raise a whole undead army to help them? Most of the things he'd done in the past were regrettable, as he'd held a malicious grudge towards the son of Poseidon, which definitely would bring down likeability points. Why would anybody like somebody whose fatal flaw was deadly grudges? Moreover, wouldn't most people see Nico's 'tragic' back-story as too much baggage?

So far, Nico couldn't think of anything else to do. Normally he would have just shadow-travelled away or raised a skeleton army, but seeing as there were no graveyards inside the fast food restaurant, and Aphrodite seemed to have found a way of stopping him from leaving, he was left with no choice but to go through with Aphrodite's plan. He sighed sadly, but decided that he better get on with it, and he would rather get it out of the way.

A kind thought struck him just then. Just because he agreed to date a girl didn't mean he had to actually _like _her. He could just find the first girl he saw, agree to a date, and then not see her afterwards. Or even better, not go on the date at all. He shouldn't have to date any of those girls if he didn't want to. What if he was gay? He wasn't, and he knew that, but people just can't assume things like that these days. He was sure that his father would stick up for him if Aphrodite found out that he didn't even go on the date.

Now that he had formulated a plan, he felt a bit more confident and at ease. He casually strolled over to a table of four girls, who seemed to be entranced by a blurred picture of him taken outside an entrance to a graveyard somewhere. He was about to yell at them for possessing such a picture, but stopped himself. He needed to be calm about all of this.

"Excuse me, but would one of you join me on that table over there?" He said with a wink, trying to sound as flirty as possible. He was sure that he sounded completely stupid, but he wasn't really that bothered at this moment in time. Three of the girls squealed excitedly, like he thought they would, but one girl remained calm. Nico liked her.

"What's your name?" Nico asked her politely. She looked up at him and smiled.

"Mystixia Rosanna Cherrytree," she replied. Unlike the other girls, her hair was auburn and cut into a choppy bob with layers, not flowing and an unnatural colour like purple or pink. Her eyes, however, were a different story and were a vivid red the colour of rubies. A pale heart-shaped face unblemished by freckles or spots made her seem like a china doll, and her cherry red lips with matching cheeks only added to this impression. Her messy, effort-free hair contrasted with her high-maintenance and perfect face. A thick black choker wrapped itself around her neck, and adorning her earlobes were silver star ear rings. She was wearing a short black dress with spaghetti straps, but was wearing a bright red shawl. On paper, it didn't work but she looked breathtakingly beautiful.

"Nice to meet you, would you like to share a happy meal with me?" Nico didn't have a happy meal on him, but he knew that Aphrodite would be watching him and would be more than happy to conjure up some food. Mystixia nodded, and smiled as they walked to an untaken table on the other side of the room. Other girls looked on in jealousy, but Nico couldn't care less.

Sure enough, when they sat down a whole tray filled with food manifested itself before them, filled with fries, shakes, McFlurries, chicken nuggets, different dips and burgers. It wasn't the most romantic of banquets, but it could have been salad for all Nico cared.

"Who's your godly parent, then?" Nico asked, in an attempt to break the ice. It was the only question he could think of.

"Hecate, goddess of magic." Nico had already suspected that that was the case, her name gave it away. After that, Nico was unsure of what to say. Was he supposed to ask about her life? He hadn't seen her at Camp before, though as he rarely turned up this was not much of a surprise. He supposed he should do the polite thing and ask about her.

"You seem different to the others," Nico said. He was sure he sounded lame again, but he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"What do you mean?" Mystixia questioned, looking confused.

"Well, the others seem so, so, _Mary-Sueish_, and so far, besides your appearance you don't. You aren't a daughter of a Big Three god, or a Titan, and you don't seem to be either an emo or insanely popular. I think you're the only one in the room not gushing over me either, and you aren't in a huge group of friends," Nico explained. Could it be possible that this girl was an average demigod? If she was, Nico would have cried with happiness. Maybe then he could enjoy a date, not that he wanted to.

"You really think that?" Nico could swear she sounded hurt. "Well, not every Mary Sue starts out as a Sue you know, and anyway I bet they don't have a horribly tragic back-story do they?" she snapped angrily. Nico was confused by her sudden change in tone, but gestured for her to continue, as it appeared that she was about to tell him of her 'horribly tragic' tale.

"My father was just an ordinary man, and upon discovering that I was half-god, he abandoned me on the account that I would just bring too much trouble and he would be unable to look after me. Plus, he wouldn't want to deal with monsters and things, so he just dumped me at the nearest orphanage where nobody would want to adopt me because I was too beautiful."

"Why would people not adopt you because you were too beautiful?" Nico asked quizzically.

"Because I would just make their other children jealous I guess," she shrugged. "Anyway, then when finally somebody adopted me they were really abusive and kept hitting me and calling me an ugly wretch who nobody loves, so I finally ran away. I survived on my own, but when I reached half-blood hill without a satyr, I found myself up againt an entire army of monsters, including some horrible ones like Medusa, the Minotaur and the Manticore. Not forgetting Kampe and the Sphinx too. I defeated them all single-handedly, but never made it to Camp Half-Blood. Instead, I just went somewhere else."

Nico was about to ask where she went, but found himself dumbstruck by her unlikely and probably untrue anecdote about her life. Surely she couldn't have fought a whole army on her one? Furthermore, why would Hades let the worst monsters out of Tartarus just for one demigod, one who wasn't even born to Zeus or Poseidon? Not only that, but he found it highly unlikely that she could live on her own on the streets without being attacked, or find Camp without a satyr. It was a shame because Nico was actually starting to like her.

"No offense, but I don't believe that for one second," Nico said, taking a bite out of a burger.

"Believe it or disbelieve it, it's still my life. It's strange, most people feel really sorry for me and want to be my friend to try and cover up the hole in my heart."

Nico was beginning to feel really bored, so he just asked the question that he had thought of earlier.

"How come I've never seen you at Camp before?" Nico enquired, dipping a chicken nugget into tomato ketchup.

"Oh, that's because I go to a different Camp to you. I go to Camp Mary-Sue," Mystixia said indifferently, like it wasn't much for concern.

Nico nearly choked on his chicken.

Camp _Mary-Sue?_

**Yeah, bad chapter, I know.**

**This story started off as a light-hearted one-shot, but now has turned into something slightly more serious, and now has an actual PLOT! Yes, a plot, and it involves something more than just Nico fending off some Mary-Sues! There will still be some humour, but it won't be solely humour-based. So if you aren't enjoying it, feel free to just pretend it ended at chapter one. But if you do want to carry on with this new angle, awesome!**


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